By Brian Bergen-Aurand

We at Foreign Influence take everything seriously. That is why we are sad to report new findings from the Journal of Foreign, Strange, and Exilic Studies suggesting April Fools’ Day Traditions are nothing but hoaxes perpetrated on the innocent and naive. According to the study, “You Fell for It: Why April 1 Continues to Capture Our Foolish Hearts and Minds,” co authored by Charles Keaton and Buster Chaplin, most of what people will tell you is true today will not be true. Historically, this is true. “Sometime today, someone, maybe everyone, will try to lie to you. You cannot trust what happens on 1 April each year, as most of the shenanigans perpetrated on this day throughout history have been hoaxes,” stated the authors in a telephone conversation.

Traditionally, April had always been considered the cruelest of months, but in 1804 several pranksters declared it foolish to label a month “cruel.” “It is just a month, it cannot be held to any moral account–positively or negatively,” Declares their manifesto. So, they decided to alter the tradition one day at a time throughout the month. Unfortunately, because they had to go to class and teach, they ran out of time to get to the other 28 days in April. They haven’t returned to the project since, and the rest of April is still considered cruel by far, far too many poets and lovers of poultry.

So, our advice? Beware the Fools of April…or not.